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Never buy your asawa clothes for Christmas. If she’s anything like my wife, you’ll end up going to a SM City Mall the day after Jesus’ birthday celebration and face massive mobs that rival the hordes of Hade. I kid you not. I would (almost) rather have each of my fingernails and toenails pulled out then encounter the crowds that my spouse and I had to deal with.  I had to navigate the crowded mall filled with morons that hypnotically gazed downward at their cell phones as they checked their latest asinine Facebook message and never watched where they were going. Crowded eateries that reduced us to eating at Pizza Hut (at Robinsons, our first stop) which is never packed out.

But why in the world would I be such a dumb ass and take the pump boat from Guimaras, our home island province, and travel to Iloilo City on a cloudy, windy day as the boat rocked back and forth in the choppy waters?

Allen and "The Kano" on the pump boat to Guimaras

Well, this crusty old expat was on a mission. I wanted to buy my airline tickets for my return trip to Las Vegas. No, dear readers, I do not possess a credit card which would greatly simplify the whole ticket  buying process so I am reduced to going to a travel agency.

Sure, I could go to BDO, our bank, and apply for a credit card, but hell, that could take months. It took a month to get our funds transferred from the States, and since I wanted to visit my Dad in Sin City this year, I figured I wouldn’t even bother to get a Banco de Oro credit card.

So here I was at SM City in Iloilo faced by a mob that could at any moment turn on me, chop my head off with a bolo, and carry my severed fat kano head on a bamboo stake, racing through the mall with torches blazing screaming “Hey, Joe!” at the top of their lungs. sm city in bacolod city

My asawa was returning a pair of Paddocks jeans (which were the right size, 30, but didn’t feel right on her.) I had also unknowingly bought her a mustard colored top that she deemed appropriate for a lolo (grandma) and didn’t suit her taste at all.

Husbands and other guys. Take a word of advice from a crusty old geezer fart:

NEVER BUY YOUR ASAWA CLOTHES FOR CHRISTMAS!

It took nearly three hours for my wife to pick out new clothes, jeans and another top (that looked remarkably like the one I had bought her), and stand in a customer service line that was longer than an Al Sharpton rant.

And the tickets? Have to go back on Monday. All of the airlines that my travel agency needed to contact were closed for Christmas.

So a belated Merry Christmas and Advance Happy New Year (sorry I missed your call, Papa Duck.) God bless us everyone. (OK,OK, here’s the whole picture.)Santa's sexy helper

8 thoughts on “Never Buy Your Asawa Clothes for Christmas

  1. Shoulda dropped me a line man. Was hanging with a few of the guys nearby having a fantastic time while you were in your own personal SM Hell 🙂

    Made more pickles, they’re ready when you are.

    Will be out of town for a bit though. My good friend Paul, lived in Antique, but from Washington State died of a heart attack on Christmas Eve. We’ll be out of town taking care of his remains and making other arrangements.

  2. Having been blissfully wed to my ganda asawa for over 20 years I offer the following advice, gift certificates. You can never go wrong with jewelry but never EVER buy clothes for the better half, stick to gift certificates.

  3. I agree with Tony……….Jewelry is the way to go. Not only is it an investment (better interest rate than the banks) But with the cheap labor here, she can always have it melted down and made into jewelry that she likes. Like we will ever REALLY know the difference (or care for that matter) LOLOLZZZ

  4. First, Hope you had a Merry Christmas other than the poor judgement in selecting that perfect gift. I gave up on buying Sherry clothes once she was comfortable with driving by herself and had met several filipina friends here in southern mid-Michigan. Heck, sometimes returning clothes is nothing more than an excuse to go shopping with ‘the girls'(of course she doesnt need that excuse, anyway). Regardless, it is quite evident that my taste in womens clothes is lacking.
    This year our big romantic gifts to each other was bedroom furniture. Lets see her take THAT back!!!
    With regard to the tenor of your article, I would suggest that you dont hold back. Tell us how you REALLY feel!!!!
    Looking forward to another year of interesting articles. Hope you have a happy and satifying new year and that you can get away with as many educational photos as needed, always key supporting items for your writing!!!
    JoeinMI

  5. Dave,
    Have to agree with you on the malls. We were there yesterday, just a total madhouse. People just stroll and look at there phones w/o any regard for anyone else. God forbid they miss a text. As far as gifts I just had Anne pick out what she wanted before Christmas. No problems than.

  6. Hi Dave , I got out of Manila and went to Subic , went to Texas joe for a burger and fries lovely,
    On buying presents I learned years ago she’s in charge of the money , we are going to buy a
    Apple I pad 2 for her Christmas present next week,me I’m happy with a few red horse beers.
    Went to the mall in olongapo very busy ,I could not wait to get out of that mall

  7. I neglected to mention just one other thing… COUPONS!
    According to Sherry, they dont have ‘returns’ in the Philippines, only exchanges.How easily that must work!
    To compound the grinding of teeth that normally occurs when accompanying on these shopping events, there are also discounts, additional clearance discounts, discounts if you use your credit card, price matching, and reward points. And not only do they surface during the post-holiday traditions, its 365 days a year! Im probably forgetting some other pricing strategies, but my masters degree is in education not marketing. And in my 36 years of teaching, no student has been as difficult to figure out as holiday economics.
    If I may cite just one example, today we went in to one of the well known chain stores, with a “spend $30 get $10 off” (expiring soon) coupon. We found a couple great clearance buys but must have missed the fine print that states once you find $27 worth of bargains, you’ll spend over an hour looking for just the right item to make that $30 happen. Its not so easy with a wife who most assuredly has filipina blood flowing through her veins and in her most primal urges to save money, visits almost every department before I suggested that we simply pick up some towels that were marked 70% off and that my daughter could use in her apartment.
    I love my wife and she is the reason I will be able to retire in a couple years clear of debt. Fortunately, Christmas clearances only happen once a year! Meanwhile, we’ll watch the mail for the next 30% off sale.
    Looking forward to Valentines Day………..
    JoeinMI

  8. To avoid any mishaps it is always safer to just get them gift cards or give them the money. They’ll get what they want and say you got it for them.I might try this when I visit my gf in May. If it works then I guess my mom was right,hahaha.. Belated Happy New year Dave from The Biggest Little City in the World Reno..

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