Never Buy Your Asawa Clothes for Christmas

I love santas helpers

Lead Photo from Imgur  

Never buy your asawa clothes for Christmas. If she’s anything like my wife, you’ll end up going to a SM City Mall the day after Jesus’ birthday celebration and face massive mobs that rival the hordes of Hade. I kid you not. I would (almost) rather have each of my fingernails and toenails pulled out then encounter the crowds that my spouse and I had to deal with.  I had to navigate the crowded mall filled with morons that hypnotically gazed downward at their cell phones as they checked their latest asinine Facebook message and never watched where they were going. Crowded eateries that reduced us to eating at Pizza Hut (at Robinsons, our first stop) which is never packed out.

But why in the world would I be such a dumb ass and take the pump boat from Guimaras, our home island province, and travel to Iloilo City on a cloudy, windy day as the boat rocked back and forth in the choppy waters?

Allen and "The Kano" on the pump boat to Guimaras

Well, this crusty old expat was on a mission. I wanted to buy my airline tickets for my return trip to Las Vegas. No, dear readers, I do not possess a credit card which would greatly simplify the whole ticket  buying process so I am reduced to going to a travel agency.

Sure, I could go to BDO, our bank, and apply for a credit card, but hell, that could take months. It took a month to get our funds transferred from the States, and since I wanted to visit my Dad in Sin City this year, I figured I wouldn’t even bother to get a Banco de Oro credit card.

So here I was at SM City in Iloilo faced by a mob that could at any moment turn on me, chop my head off with a bolo, and carry my severed fat kano head on a bamboo stake, racing through the mall with torches blazing screaming “Hey, Joe!” at the top of their lungs. sm city in bacolod city

My asawa was returning a pair of Paddocks jeans (which were the right size, 30, but didn’t feel right on her.) I had also unknowingly bought her a mustard colored top that she deemed appropriate for a lolo (grandma) and didn’t suit her taste at all.

Husbands and other guys. Take a word of advice from a crusty old geezer fart:


It took nearly three hours for my wife to pick out new clothes, jeans and another top (that looked remarkably like the one I had bought her), and stand in a customer service line that was longer than an Al Sharpton rant.

And the tickets? Have to go back on Monday. All of the airlines that my travel agency needed to contact were closed for Christmas.

So a belated Merry Christmas and Advance Happy New Year (sorry I missed your call, Papa Duck.) God bless us everyone. (OK,OK, here’s the whole picture.)Santa's sexy helper

Author: The Kano

POST AUTHOR: "THE KANO." Dave DeWall, "The Kano", is the Publisher & Editor-in-Chief of "Philippines Plus" in publication since August 2009. He is also the CEO of Lizard Poop Productions and author of the best-selling guide book "The Philippines Expat Advisor." Dave moved to the Philippines in July 2009 from Central Illinois with his lovely wife of over 19 years, "The Sainted Patient Wife." The couple reside in a rural province in Western Visayas, Guimaras. The small island province is said to have the sweetest mangoes in the world. They do not have any children but are the proud owners of eight active canines, including a Belgian Shepherd called "Killer" "Killer" has bitten five people in the last two years along with one goat and a carabao. "Killer" doesn't like strangers. Or goats. Or carabaos.

16 thoughts on “Never Buy Your Asawa Clothes for Christmas

  1. Shoulda dropped me a line man. Was hanging with a few of the guys nearby having a fantastic time while you were in your own personal SM Hell 🙂

    Made more pickles, they’re ready when you are.

    Will be out of town for a bit though. My good friend Paul, lived in Antique, but from Washington State died of a heart attack on Christmas Eve. We’ll be out of town taking care of his remains and making other arrangements.

    1. Sorry to hear about Paul, Rease. Never got a chance to meet him.

      Well, we were waiting for our surveyor in Guimaras to bring over some plans to us but we weren’t sure when he would arrive so we couldn’t pinpoint a time when we would arrive in Iloilo City.

      Have to go back to Iloilo Monday but we will catch you later, take care.

  2. Having been blissfully wed to my ganda asawa for over 20 years I offer the following advice, gift certificates. You can never go wrong with jewelry but never EVER buy clothes for the better half, stick to gift certificates.

    1. Yep, gift certificates are a good idea, Tony. I used to go with my wife to The Gap back in the States. She would look at clothes that she liked (but didn’t buy) and I would sneak into the store later to buy said clothes; just advised my wife I was going to sit on the “old men’s bench.” That worked out pretty well over there but I might have to try the gift certificate idea and save myself a lot of grief.

  3. I agree with Tony……….Jewelry is the way to go. Not only is it an investment (better interest rate than the banks) But with the cheap labor here, she can always have it melted down and made into jewelry that she likes. Like we will ever REALLY know the difference (or care for that matter) LOLOLZZZ

    1. Well Scott H, my wife does like jewelry. I didn’t think of that. Remember, I AM a crusty old expat.
      I have never seen my my asawa not like any jewelry I bought for her in the past (as long as it included real diamonds.) 😉

  4. First, Hope you had a Merry Christmas other than the poor judgement in selecting that perfect gift. I gave up on buying Sherry clothes once she was comfortable with driving by herself and had met several filipina friends here in southern mid-Michigan. Heck, sometimes returning clothes is nothing more than an excuse to go shopping with ‘the girls'(of course she doesnt need that excuse, anyway). Regardless, it is quite evident that my taste in womens clothes is lacking.
    This year our big romantic gifts to each other was bedroom furniture. Lets see her take THAT back!!!
    With regard to the tenor of your article, I would suggest that you dont hold back. Tell us how you REALLY feel!!!!
    Looking forward to another year of interesting articles. Hope you have a happy and satifying new year and that you can get away with as many educational photos as needed, always key supporting items for your writing!!!

    1. Merry Christmas to you, too, Joe in Michigan. Yeah, I think I will take a tip from Tony and Scott H and go for jewelry next time. We will be purchasing some new bedroom furniture once our new house is built so I won’t be able to use that idea for next Christmas.

      My wife had a posse of Filipina friends that she would go shopping with every Saturday,back in Illinois, with her good friend, Ate Lourdes, at the head of the pack. My asawa would leave early in the morning and not return until 10 pm (or later, if she stopped by Lourdes’for a karaoke session.) I would bum around the house and watch old BBC sitcoms on our local public tv station while chowing down on a Tombstone pizza. Sadly, she does not have any friends to bum around with here and go shopping with. And I can’t get frozen Tombstone pizzas here.

      Well, Joe, you might have noticed a slightly more cynical tone in recent posts along with such vulgarities as the word “ass,” which is by the way, what Jesus road into on the way to Jerusalem on what is now called Palm Sunday (King James Version.) I will still refrain from using certain language, such as the “f word,” since I do not want to lose my advertisers which help support this site. Though I am a crusty old expat, I will continue to have more postive material like the now classic, “Lolo Gives Me a Shiner.”

      Glad you enjoy the visual aids, look for more in the future. 😉

  5. Dave,
    Have to agree with you on the malls. We were there yesterday, just a total madhouse. People just stroll and look at there phones w/o any regard for anyone else. God forbid they miss a text. As far as gifts I just had Anne pick out what she wanted before Christmas. No problems than.

    1. We had to go back to Iloilo Sunday, Papa Duck, to take care of some business at BDO SM City (more on that later.) Not as crowded as Friday but still very busy. We stayed over night so I could get my tickets to the States on Monday. Our ticket agent told us all 2Go ferries from Iloilo to Bacolod were shutting down. We got to Ortiz Dock in Iloilo at 3 pm. It was absolute chaos! The pump boat ticket line was longer than I ever seen it in five years. As Melinda waited in line I went up to a porter near the ticket office and gave him 100 pesos and asked him to buy us two tickets (28 pesos) and keep the change.

      Good thing I greased his palm. ALL pump boats to Guimaras shut down two hours later. My sister-in-law was also in Iloilo and is still stuck there. All pump boats are still shut down. We got smacked big time yesterday and this morning by Tropical Storm SENIANG. Just got our power restored. A massive amount of bamboo has fallen down here at “The Farm.” Don’t know when my sister-in-law will make it back but it probably won’t be today.

  6. Hi Dave , I got out of Manila and went to Subic , went to Texas joe for a burger and fries lovely,
    On buying presents I learned years ago she’s in charge of the money , we are going to buy a
    Apple I pad 2 for her Christmas present next week,me I’m happy with a few red horse beers.
    Went to the mall in olongapo very busy ,I could not wait to get out of that mall

    1. My asawa is also in charge of the money, Derek. We’re both a couple of smart guys, I see. Man, I could have used a couple of Red Horses. That mall drove me crazy and that’s a very short drive.

  7. I neglected to mention just one other thing… COUPONS!
    According to Sherry, they dont have ‘returns’ in the Philippines, only exchanges.How easily that must work!
    To compound the grinding of teeth that normally occurs when accompanying on these shopping events, there are also discounts, additional clearance discounts, discounts if you use your credit card, price matching, and reward points. And not only do they surface during the post-holiday traditions, its 365 days a year! Im probably forgetting some other pricing strategies, but my masters degree is in education not marketing. And in my 36 years of teaching, no student has been as difficult to figure out as holiday economics.
    If I may cite just one example, today we went in to one of the well known chain stores, with a “spend $30 get $10 off” (expiring soon) coupon. We found a couple great clearance buys but must have missed the fine print that states once you find $27 worth of bargains, you’ll spend over an hour looking for just the right item to make that $30 happen. Its not so easy with a wife who most assuredly has filipina blood flowing through her veins and in her most primal urges to save money, visits almost every department before I suggested that we simply pick up some towels that were marked 70% off and that my daughter could use in her apartment.
    I love my wife and she is the reason I will be able to retire in a couple years clear of debt. Fortunately, Christmas clearances only happen once a year! Meanwhile, we’ll watch the mail for the next 30% off sale.
    Looking forward to Valentines Day………..

    1. Joe in Michigan, I feel your pain. My own asawa will spend hours looking for bargains and the only bad thing about that, is that I, now, am the only one that accompanies on her shopping expeditions. I absolutely DO NOT have the patience of Job and fervently wish that my asawa could find some shopping buddies in the Philippines like she had in the States. My life would be so much simpler.

      I DID return a charger to the local Samsung store at SM City years ago. I did not know my wife had said charger, which cost 1000 pesos. I forget why I didn’t check with her before I purchased it; I should have known it would come with the phone she had purchased. I returned the charger the next day. The clerk refused to refund my money. I said I am not going anywhere until I had my money. The charger package was not opened and I had my receipt which said nothing about exchanges or refunds. The clerk called her manager at home. An hour later the manager showed up. I got my money. The manager said he would not do any such refund in the future. “Why in the hell would I return here, anyway?” I said and left. Security was eyeing me the whole time as I loudly complained to other customers. Thankfully, my wife was home in Iloilo and was spared the embarrassment.

  8. To avoid any mishaps it is always safer to just get them gift cards or give them the money. They’ll get what they want and say you got it for them.I might try this when I visit my gf in May. If it works then I guess my mom was right,hahaha.. Belated Happy New year Dave from The Biggest Little City in the World Reno..

    1. Can’t go wrong with gift cards, Art. Happy New Year to you, also, Art. And I’m afraid my only twisted view of your fair city comes from watching episodes of Reno 911. I’ll be in Vegas for three weeks in February but I’ve never been to Reno.

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