I’ve lived in the Philippines with my awesome asawa for over eight years. My only duties involve boiling hot water for our coffee and tea every morning and cleaning our swimming pool. “How to Get Killed in the Philippines in 5 Easy Steps” will help you live a long and productive life in the Philippines if you follow the advice of a crusty old expat.
Puerto Princesa Palawan Paradise. Some mortals claim the Philippines is a heavenly utopia. Paradise, if you will. I retired to this archipelago over seven years ago. Paradise, it ain’t.
You don’t ever want to mess with my wife when she has a bolo in hand. If she’s angry, she could chop your pecker off faster than a jackrabbit on moonshine. So when we were having some difficulties with our new independent contractor in the Philippines, regarding payment for services rendered, I wisely stayed out of the negotiations. My amazing asawa plays hardball and hits one out of the park! She didn’t need any help from me.
Lead Photo from Imgur
Never buy your asawa clothes for Christmas. If she’s anything like my wife, you’ll end up going to a SM City Mall the day after Jesus’ birthday celebration and face massive mobs that rival the hordes of Hade. I kid you not. I would (almost) rather have each of my fingernails and toenails pulled out then encounter the crowds that my spouse and I had to deal with. I had to navigate the crowded mall filled with morons that hypnotically gazed downward at their cell phones as they checked their latest asinine Facebook message and never watched where they were going. Crowded eateries that reduced us to eating at Pizza Hut (at Robinsons, our first stop) which is never packed out.
Do you want to build the best nipa hut in the Philippines or do you want to build one half-assed? The Bahay Kubo, Balay, or Nipa Hut, is a type of stilt house common to most of the Filipino rural culture. If you desire to manufacture a quality hut, you need a quality crew. Take a gander at our brother-in-law Joery in this photo. He’s preparing to put a concrete finish on the CR, Comfort Room, walls. He always does quality work.
The bolo, or machete, is the essential Filipino tool and probably can be found in the majority of Philippine households. I doubt if you could go to any residence on the mango island of Guimaras, where we dwell, and not find this useful tool.
We’re just now getting “Doomsday Preppers” in the Philippines from the National Geographic Channel. The show explores the lives of otherwise ordinary Americans who are preparing for the end of the world as we know it. Unique in their beliefs, motivations, and strategies, preppers will go to whatever lengths they can to make sure they are prepared for any of life’s uncertainties. I watched the first episode the other night. I found it quite entertaining and even humorous at times.
Photo Source: tokyomango.com
Lizard Poop. It’s not much of a problem in our Iloilo subdivision home as it was back at “The Compound” in Guimaras where we formerly resided. Of course, I’m not the one cleaning up the crap. My asawa, who asked me not to take her photo (see next picture), was busy the other day with a brush (that looked like a toilet bowl brush to me) cleaning out our windowsills.