I’ve lived in the Philippines with my Filipina wife for over eight years now. We’ve spent six of those years on a tiny island province called Guimaras in Western Visayas. Here’s my “10 Best Reasons to Never Visit Guimaras, Philippines.”
1. Sunsets uglier than dog crap on the bottom of your cheap-ass vinyl slippers you got from the local ukay-ukay store.
2. Projectile-vomiting views like this found on the Iloilo Strait between Guimaras and Iloilo City, the “most-shabulized” city in the Philippines. (Hey, I didn’t call Iloilo City that, President Duterte put that tag on them.)
3. Irritating locals at Raymen Beach who even flash a smile at Crusty Old Expats.
4. Sheeesh! Even foreigners with a face like a dog’s rear-end can get pretty girls on the beach to pose for them.
5. Mango Festivals which even allow lanky gringos to hog the stage with a pretty pinay.
6. Swimsuit beauties on parade! Why would anyone even consider visiting Guimaras?
7. Goofy Mango Mascots that don’t even give you the finger! WTF!
8. Sweetest Mangoes in the World? Who sez? (Oh, the Guinness Book of World Records does.)
9. School kids that have no regard for their personal safety and enjoy this kind of ride to school every day.
10. And finally, Beauty Queens that treat you like a celebrity. What kind of hell-hole is this Guimaras?