From the Midwest redneck author of "The Rooster Crows at 4am!," "Lizard Poop!," and "The Philippines Expat Advisor"
My Asawa is like an Elephant
My asawa has a memory better than an elephant. After over 12 years of marriage she can still pull stuff out of her….head that happened from the exact instant we both said “I do.” You married guys know what I'm talking about. But when it comes to important events around here, I'm not informed until days, weeks, months or even years after the fact.
Let's call this phenomenon “selective memory” which is closely aligned with the male's “selective hearing” process.
For example, let's say Cousin Ping Pong died a month ago. He left behind 43 children at last count (but who's really keeping track after the first dozen or so.) My asawa would undoubtedly inform me about Cousin PP's death on the day of his funeral leaving me scrambling to scrape up a P1,000 note that I, the “rich kano,” could slip to Ping Pong's grieving widow.
(You guys with minds in the gutter might be thinking I could slip his widow something else, too. Keep in mind I'm a guy married to an asawa with a sharp bolo and Pong's wife has hypothetically already had 43 kids and only has three teeth left, to boot.)
My wife's dearly departed cousin has probably been sitting on display in his coffin located in the middle of his sala (living room) for a few weeks now. Relatives have been drinking shots of Tanduay Rhum and countless bottles of Red Horse, already spending all the money raised for his funeral by gambling on card games played at the deceased Ping Pong's home.
Cousin Ping Pong's spirit hovers nearby and he sees that his S.O.B. brother-in-law, Oscar, is cheating (again), but there's nothing he can do about it. It can get kind of frustrating when you're dead and you haven't landed in your final resting place yet, whether that be purgatory, heaven, the pits of hell, or even worse, the studio audience of “Ellen.”
So when my fan went on strike a couple of months ago, that left our household with only two fans. When it was just my spouse and I, two fans were enough. If there were any duwendes in the house that needed cooling off, well, that was really no concern of mine. As long as I didn't accidentally pee on one, everything was fine.
But now we have three nieces and a nephew residing with us in our subdivision home outside of Iloilo City. If the kids scatter to different sections of the house, someone is going to be without a fan now since we're down to two. Rest assured, it will not be the aging 60-year-old geezer that pays the bills.
So when a particularly hot day hit us after several days of a “cooling” rain, I went into our bedroom where my asawa was watching television. I asked if she needed our other fan (she had purchased a new standing fan not long after the kids arrived.) She replied “no” and in a very soft, sweet voice said to me:
''Dear, do you remember when you bought that fan [the one that is broken] I told you should spend a couple of hundred pesos more and buy a better fan like I did?"
''Yes, I remember," I reluctantly admitted, and uttered the words every husband has spewed a million times before, “you were right.”
You see, I had purchased some cheap Chinese brand, “Peeceecrapee” for 500 pesos (about 12 bucks) at our local SM Appliance Store when we moved into our home last October. My wife had purchased a brand called “Notascheepee” for 750 pesos. Of course her fan (the one I use now) still works fine. And rest assured, she will never forget to remind me of that fact. You married guys know what I'm talking about.
If I ever need clarification or details about any mistake I have made over the course of the last 27 years, all I have to do is ask the asawa. Of course, some details have been modified and enhanced for added effect. I know how you feel Dave.
There must be like a SuperHell for a guy like me who would not only end up in the studio audience of the Ellen Degenerate show but it would be on the day that Rosie makes a guest appearance and I would be wearing a Hooters shirt.
ROTFLMAO!! Now that is hilarious Tom!!
At least filipinas remind us of our shortcomings in a much more loving, sweet, and tolerable way than most American women do.
OMG, Tom! Rosie AND Ellen in the same place! That WOULD be a SuperHell!
That’s true, Todd.
Thanks, Randy, I didn’t think I was alone.
Dave,
I guess i will have to get used to that all over again when i move there permanantly. It was nice w/o it while it lasted lol. But like Todd said above,it’s conveyed to us by filipinas in a more loving way, not like the witch i was married to before. be safe
I agree, Todd, but let’s face it the bar it set pretty low on that one
I remember something I read online years ago about Filipinas, PapaDuck. It went something like this: A Filipina really IS “The Boss,” but she’ll make it appear that the husband is the one in charge.”
I pretty much agree with that….but I also think they just chew us out differently.
And…not trying to be too personal here…but I have never had a filipina GF that got so mad at me that she didn’t want to have sex. None of my friends have met or had a filipina wife or gf that held out because they were mad.
I am sure it happens, but never to me and I have never heard “I have a headache”.
Filipinas are still women, and we will never understand them completely, but they are different and different in a better way.
Todd, I get chewed out in varying degrees according to the seriousness of the “crime” and what mood my asawa, going through “the change-in-life,” is in that day. If her mood is REALLY dark, I stay out of her way or take a walk. Her record for not speaking to me is three straight days. I have also never heard the “headache” excuse. And I agree, Filipinas are different in a better way. No doubt about that.
My ex- had a way of making me feel like a horses petutie even when what ever occured had nothing to do with me. My asawa has a nice way of letting me know I screwed up, usually veiled as an inquiry of some sort…and no I never heard the words ‘I have a headache’ either!
My asawa usually tells me in a nice way if I’ve screwed up, Mark G. But if she’s just experienced another “hot flash,” all bets are off brother and y’all better run for the hills!
Dave I hope you get use to that because I’ve been married 20 years longer than you and it’s still happening. When I was doing the story on my site about when we met and eventually got married, I had to ask her about some of the details. She thought I should have remembered a couple of them. Oops!
My asawa told me the other day that it’s a tradition in the Philippines to play cards at the wake for money (at the deceased’s home) and that the players are supposed to give money to the family of the deceased. Maybe they figure they have a kano to foot the bill and they all kept their winnings?
I just asked her about this and she said “For example we put PHP5 for the money card, separately put like PHP1-3 to the other side for the family”…… or I guess Kano Dave can just pay PHP1,000…. lol
If I’m still around 20 years from now, John Jackson, I’m sure my asawa will still be able to remember every single detail of BOTH our weddings. The civil ceremony in Metro Manila and the Church wedding four years later. I insisted on having ONE anniversary date to remember, our official NSO documented civil wedding. Do you think there is any frickin’ way I could remember TWO anniversary dates?(I do, however, but I’m happy to leave things the way they are and not have to buy two anniversary cards.
)
Paul, the practice of “fake wakes” is also practiced in some impoverished urban areas in the Philippines. The fake wake is staged so people can make money through illegal card games. The people that stage the “fake wakes” buy unclaimed bodies in funeral homes.
Yep, you’re right about that Paul. The “rich Kano” can just hand over the P1,000 note and skip the card games.
In all my 32 years of being married, I have never had a problem remembering my anniversary. I don’t know how people can forget a day like that. I hope you are around for another 20 years Dave, and talking to me on the internet and/or in person.