From the Midwest redneck author of "The Rooster Crows at 4am!," "Lizard Poop!," and "The Philippines Expat Advisor"
Our Retirement Plans? We’re Moving to the Philippines!
Here's another guest post from Scott H. He's facing the same questions from friends, relatives and coworkers that many of us that have retired to the Philippines have also encountered. A big THANK YOU to Scott for sharing the following great story and photos:
As retirement speeds towards me, more and more of my friends and coworkers inquire what I plan to do with the rest of my life. When I answer that my Wife and I will retire to the Philippines the reactions vary from shock to disbelief and sometimes plain bewilderment at our plans. 
I think when my wife first made Tinola with lots of ginger followed a few days later by Nilaga and naturally Pan de Sal with pate for breakfast, the first thoughts of the Philippines as a place to spend my golden years began to form.
It wasn’t until several years later when we first visited her home in Paranaque, Metro Manila that I actually fell in love with the Philippine country, the culture and the people. I was surrounded by friendly happy people who for the most part wanted nothing more than to please and be pleased.
After a few days there, when it was obvious I was not going to turn into a raving lunatic, run rabid and howl at the moon, I was sent out to get the mornings breakfast. So clad in shorts, T-shirt, sunglasses and flip flops and armed with 100 Pesos (it still looks like monopoly money to me), off I went.
Negotiating the Jeepneys, motor scooters and tricycles I made my way to the cathedral where I had seen a news stand (a guy sitting on a milk crate under a cardboard shade) where I bought a copy of the Manila Star (in English) for P15, I then went to the palengke, where I was treated to the sights, sounds and smells of an open air market that most Americans only see on the Travel Channel.
I saw what I was sent to get, ripe mangos piled in a basket among other baskets and crates filled with as yet unidentified fruits and vegetables. Behind which sat an older lady with arms folded scowling at me. I gave her my best “Don’t hate me, I am really a nice guy smile” held up four fingers and said: “Apat please” (feeling like a complete idiot, pointing at the mangoes). She said “four Kilos?” “No apat ummmmmm each please” was my reply. “Ah, four pieces” (hey they speak English I thought, COOL!).
She then picked out four really nice fruit put them in a flimsy red plastic bag and said something so fast I couldn’t make it out but I assumed it was the price. So I just held out my money cupped in both hands and grinned. She laughed looked at the pile of coins and crumpled bills, fished out the P100 note handed me the bag, my change, chuckled again and said something to her neighbor and off I went. I had found my first suke and didn’t even know it.
I then headed towards were I knew the bakery was, dodging kids, stray dogs and umbrellas sticking in my eye (being 6 foot 1 inch is dangerous in crowds here) stepping around puddles and responding to “Hey Joe!) all the way.
Upon reaching the bakery there was a semi circle of people around a barred window; mentally scratching my head I wondered how I was going to crack this nut. I got in the back of the crowd and patiently waited my turn. After noticing that people just wiggled their way into the front of the line from the edges of the crowd, then sticking their arm through the window shouting “Vente!” (what in the world was that? Spanish?)
Seeing that they received another flimsy red plastic bag filled with pan de sal, I finally caught on. I then gently and politely inched my into the middle of the crowd (maybe being 6-1 is useful after all) stuck my arm in with a P20 note saying “Vente” and was handed a bag of hot bread by a very startled pretty teenage girl, backed my way out of the crowd and proudly made my way back home.
Once there I was greeted by a suspicious wife and mother in law who inspected each item like a drill instructor inspecting a recruit. Satisfied that I didn’t buy something completely wrong, I was given my breakfast in the garden (see picture) and left in peace with my paper. I remember asking my mother in law. (who was a teacher at a local college and spoke better English that I do) “Mom how much is P50 in American money?” “A little over one dollar” was the reply. “HOLY SMOKES!” I thought, I could get used to this.
I won’t go into all the other beautiful things I saw that first trip, the beaches of Boracay, the lake at Laguna, the mountains of Bagio, the hot springs and jungles of Tagaytay, the countless churches and cathedrals. Let it suffice to say in one day with that first solo excursion to buy breakfast was when I decided I would retire to the Philippines. What a combination of old and new, primitive and modern, bustling metropolis and rustic old world charm, and the guarantee that each time I turn a corner there is a new experience to discover.
Scott H.
Glad you are looking forward to your retirement in the Philippines as much as i am. It’s going to be interesting and new experience which i am ready to dive in to. Good luck with your move, hopefully get together with you sometime in the future. Be safe.
Didn’t see one photo Scott. My wife doesn’t like for me to go to the local wet market. I enjoy it but I have bad feet and it is easy to get them stepped on. We have a big wet market here and they sell everything. From rice to pigs and goats. Even the latest movies! One thing to note…most people do NOT speak Tagalog in the Philippines. They understand it but don’t like to speak it.
It’s more fun in the Philippines!
You can imagine how I am looking forward to leaving the rat race behind Papa. It seems (thanks to Dave) more and more Expats and future Expats are making bonds and connections for future freindships.
I can’t see the pics either Gary. Just look at waking through the wet market as another form of arobics. Flexibility comes from ducking umbrellas, Cardio from dodging little ole ladies with plastic bags and little kids zipping in and out of the traffic. You are right when ever we need anything we just go to the wet market. We only go to SM Sucat if we want to buy in bulk, or walk in the AirCon
Photos are back, Gary. There was some blasted duwende hanging outside my window, and I think I accidentally peed on him last night without excusing myself first.
Dave, you peed out your window??? No wonder the photos didn’t show up.
Thanks for the photos Scott. I see you use Cheese on your bread too. This is the Philippines!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope the rest of the year flies by for you Scott. You cannot imagine the tremendous sense of relief when I retired and moved over to the Philippines. Looking forward to meeting you in the future. I know my retired military expat friends will be happy to welcome you, too, if you’re not opposed to having a “few” bottles of San Miguel products.
Thanks for the tip on the pics, Scott h. Like I remarked to Gary, I think that blasted duwende that hangs around here was the cause of the problem. Got the photos restored. Thanks for the story and the great pics. I’ll try to keep that stinking duwende away from my computer in the future.
Yep, I’m trying to save on the water, Gary. I don’t want to brag, but I can pee out of my “Man Cave” window from any location in our spacious house.
I guess I am OLD Dave. I can remember writing my name in the snow but that was a very long time ago. Sigh!
Snow? What’s that, Gary? I can barely recall what that is.
Hey scott, this is a very nice article, you articulated the sights and sounds of parañaque very well. I’m just wondering tho, where in the PH do you plan to retire? (I’m really hoping you’d consider, my -and dave’s- hometown, Iloilo)
Did someone say SM?
Suprised the heck out of me also Gary. Cheese whiz? who eats cheese whiz? That and spam lolol. I think cheese whiz is really the only processed food we eat. Everything else is fresh from the market.
Thanks kaltehitze, glad you liked the article, thanks to Dave for giving me a place to post my thoughts. In fact my Asawa’s father is from Iloilo. Once we are settle in P-City and tear down the old house and build a new one. We have discussed having a “summer” shanty somewhere on Panay. Who knows what the future holds?
Nice article! Well written and descriptive. Glad to hear of another expat settling on the big island. Scott, Papa Duck and I can form our own little group, since Iloilo is a ways away. I think we are all approximately a year away from retiring there permanently.
Thanks Ice Man. I feel much better now that I Know I will have someone to sit with on the husband benches at the Mall of Asia while the Asawas’ spend our money!
I used Cheez Whiz on our pan de sal back in Guimaras, Scott h. Loved it. And hey! What’s wrong wrong with a little Spam? I certainly don’t eat as healthy as you, Scott. My asawa will make trips to the local wet market, but I buy most of my groceries each month during one big trip. I was able to purchase some fresh Cavendish bananas at the SM Hypermarket. The local SM City Supermarket carries them, but they’re covered with spots and are too ripe for me. The ones at the Hypermarket were completely green and hadn’t fully ripened yet.
Happy to publish your musings, Scott h. Your articles are always greatly appreciated. Didn’t know your asawa’s father was from Iloilo. Lots of nice places for a “summer shanty” on Panay, but I would recommend coming from November through February when things have cooled off. It’s warmer than a dog’s armpit now, but I’m ready for the rainy season to commence.
Husband benches, Scott h? They used to call them the “old man benches” back at our mall in the States. “Husband benches” sounds much better.
Dont get me wrong Dave, love spam. But when you tell the yokels back in the states that spam is almost a national dish there…well you can guess the reaction.
Whew, thanks! Had me worried there for a minute, big guy.
Dave’s right, you might want to visit late in the year. When you do visit, I hope you’ll get to tour the island (boracay and guimaras are just nearby) and I’m sure, dave’s readers will be waiting for your stories after you get back. =)