From the Midwest redneck author of "The Rooster Crows at 4am!," "Lizard Poop!," and "The Philippines Expat Advisor"
The Husband is Still King in the Philippines
Ward Cleaver comes home from a hard day in the office wearing his ever-present suit and tie and gets a peck on the cheek by the immaculately coiffed and fashionably dressed June Cleaver, his wife. Handsome oldest son, Wally, stands on the stairway along with his mischievous brother, Theodore, or"Beaver" (please note that this nickname only referred to an animal that builds dams as the show debuted in a more innocent time before the age of Cable TV and Internet porn) is shown grinning widely and sitting on the stairs with a goofy grin on his face. This was America in the 1950's and early 60's as portrayed by such sitcoms as "Leave it to Beaver" and "Father Knows Best." (Photo from Flickr)
Ahhh, the 50's! A simpler time. A time when a wife would fix her husband a pot of Maxwell House coffee in the morning along with two slices of buttered toast liberally slathered with Welch's Grape Jam and two eggs sunny-side up with yolks unbroken and a generous portion of greasy, fried bacon. A glass of OJ on the side for "The King" as he smoked his pipe and read his morning newspaper before heading out to the "salt mines," warrior and glorious bread winner that he was.
A time when a woman would pack her husband's lunch. A time where a woman would put on her husbands socks and shoes in the morning and even lace those shoes up if necessary. A time when children listened to their parents and yes, even their teachers. But wait! Those times still exist! Just travel with me via Philippines Air Lines, or your carrier of choice, and let's visit the home of Jose and Emily Tabios, my brother-and-sister-in law who reside in the aptly named King's Point Subdivision in Caloocan City in Metro Manila. You might think you're back in the United States fifty years ago in the Cleaver household, but this is 2011. Welcome to a typical subdivision in Manila where the husband is still king in the Philippines.
Sitting at the front entrance of Emily and Joe's a few mornings ago with my asawa at my side as I watched in utter amazement and disbelief as Emily began putting her husband's socks on his feet. She then proceeded to put his shoes on and started lacing them and tied them!
In a total state of shock I said to my sister-in-law that there is NO WAY that a wife in America would do that for her husband. She look puzzled. She didn't understand. I then jokingly said to The Sainted Patient Wife that I wanted her to start doing that for me when we got back to Guimaras. She laughed uncontrollably for about 15 minutes straight and nearly fell off the couch.
Unfortunately my spouse lived in America for nine years before we retired to the Philippines almost two years ago. She still has retained some of her "Americanized" ways. So I will be putting on my own socks and shoes for many, many years to come. Of that, I have no doubt. Is the husband still king in the Philippines? Well, in some households.
Hi Dave,
That’s one of the rarities that you still could find in a Filipino household. I always remember my mom patting us gently to wake us up every morning on a school day and say “Gising na, maligo na at mag-almusal na” (“Wake up, take a bath and eat your breakfast) when I was younger. Often I would find my father already dressed-up for work and at the table eating his breakfast (sans OJ and newspapers but with AM radio blaring tuned in to the day’s news). Though I did not remember my mother putting my father’s socks on to him, I do remember everytime when Papa goes home from work and my mom would ask us to bring his “tsinelas” (slippers) for him to wear after taking off his shoes. Memorable family times….:)
Dave,
Funny you should mention this. Just this morning my wife, who is neither Filipino nor American, not only put on my socks, but also put on my under shirt, underwear, and button up shirt. My shoes were slip ons. She does this quite often. It took some getting used to because I had never experienced anything close to this type of genuine warmth and care in the States.
What you mentioned about the breakfast thing is also true. My wife knows very well exactly what I like to eat for breakfast. My coffee is brought out first, which I enjoy while watching the morning news. My breakfast is brought out shortly after. She then, joins me with her breakfast of hot tea with milk and toast with some kind of weird freakin’ spread.
Heck, my wife even does my finger and toe nails, cuts my ear hairs, or rather pulls the hairs out I should say….Ouch!!! And will yell at me about remaining still during the painful process.
And how about those daily phone calls from the wife, always around 1:00 pm asking, “Did you eat?” No, not yet, “Maybe you don’t like what I packed your lunch” No, I really like it, “Ok, you have to eat on time” Ok honey, I will, “good! What do you like for dinner tonite?” hehe. It really is nice to be King.
It is so unfortunate that this way of life is lost in America and also in Europe from what I am told.
Dave,
Just like KenRay, I feel treated like a “King”. I have the shortest finger nails and my nose hairs get clipped. I did break her of the making breakfast. I get up at 5:20 AM and showed her I was capable of making coffee and pouring a bowl of cereal. Also, the only rice I want to see for breakfast is Rice Krispies.
Hi Dave: While growing up in the Philippines, I never saw my mother put my father’s socks on. My mother was a university professor and my father an accountant (a banker) and a part-time university professor. There were four children, a maid, a nanny, a driver, and two nieces in the household. My mother went to the market early and dressed up for work. My father always helped my mother, whenever he could as he held a double job. This concept of we Filipina women kiss our men’s rear end has got to end. I have been married for over 30 years and I don’t put my Anglo-American husband’s socks on and off. I expect the same respect and courtesy that my father gave to my mother. I am a professional woman.
Never happen in my household unless I am sick, or my asawa really wants something from me. I’ve been married a bit over 31 years now and every once in a while I still get the royal treatment. Even though she has been “Americanized” I still the sweet little Filipina from many years ago.
I wouldn’t trade here for two 25′s for anything, even though I tease her about it at times.
Sometimes,Whenever something is needed in the Philippines! Fever,Sickness,no one wants to work,Why can’t you send us money…..Maybe,because we have a Family of our own! Never Stops! Where is the SHAME that Filipinos are known for? ZERO, in this Abuyog,Leyte Family! I would like to hear some feedback! Salamat.
Thanks for sharing your memories, Jonathan. I should have also noted in my post that Emily is certainly the undisputed leader of the household. She treats her husband like a king, but has learned to ride a motorcycle and knows how to drive, the only one of my-sister-in-laws that was given that opportunity, to my knowledge. She operates Joe’s hardware store that is in their home, and takes care of eight children.
You’re are truly a fortunate man, KenRay. Nothing wrong about getting treated like a “King,” as I’m sure you treat your wife like a “Queen.” My wife used to trim my finger and toe nails also, until I complained too much one time that she was hurting me (yeah, I’m a crybaby), but still takes care of me and constantly worries about me. Sounds like we have some pretty good wives.
Nose hairs clipped, Jack?
Man, I’ll have to ask my asawa if she could do that for me. The older I get the more hair I have in unwanted places other than the top of my head.
I’m with you on skipping rice for breakfast, too. Once a day is enough for me.
Thanks for the female insight, Roselyn. I failed to note in my article, as I mentioned to Jonathan, that my sister-in-law is the real leader of the household. She is very independent and has operated several businesses at the home and away. Now you know that I might intentionally stir up some debate to generate more looks at the website. Do you remember the articles I have done about my wife’s youngerst sister, Alida, that has her own preschool at our home in Guimaras? Alida is 31 and her husband, Joery, does all the laundry and most of the cleaning, and bathes and feeds their three children every day. Don’t you think that the man being treated like a king is part of the Filipino culture? I helped my wife with the dishes and laundry and did most of my own cooking back in America, but to be completely honest with you, if someone wants to do that for me here in the Philippines, I’m not going to complain.
Wouldn’t trade my wife, either, John. I always tell her “she’s the best!” She rolls her eyes and says something in her local language that means “a lot of gas.”
Well, Joe, unfortuanately it seems a growing number of Filipinos are depending on OFWs or other working family members to support them. Since I’ve only lived in the Philippines for about two years and married to a Filipina for over 11, I’ve noticed this seems to be an increasing problem. Like yourself, we have a Family of our own. My responsibilty is to make sure my family is fed and clothed first.
Hi Dave: No complaints about your article. I wanted to put my input here as I noticed that some expat men posted some tasks regarding their personal hygiene as performed by their Filipina wives as if this is a definition of them being “king”. This is not appealing to most women of many nationalities in general.
Hi Dave: How about an article about the subject of financial dependency that Joe has addressed? The feedbacks would be most enlightening. Thanks.
Hi Dave: I didn’t answer your question: “don’t you think that the man being treated like a king is part of the Filipino culture?” Not in my Filipino family Dave. I saw my parents as equal partners as heads of households. Even though we had helpers, my father took the time to clean us up when we were dirty, wipe our tears when we were sad, helped us with homework, rewarded us when we earned praise, disciplined us when we were bad, and talked to us when we needed him. He picked up dirty dishes and scattered toys as well. We saw him as a role model. He was a good father and a good husband. My parents were married for 62 years, first time marriages for both. I hope to be as lucky as they were in my lifetime.
Well, Roselyn, I wouldn’t find it appealing either, and why in the world my wife used to even volunteer to do this for me before is beyond me. I appreciated the thought, but I just trim my own nails or go to a manicurist or pedicurist in Iloilo from time to time.
Good idea, Roselyn, thanks.
I think your parents had a great relationship, Roselyn. You were very fortunate. I remember growing up in the early 50′s and early 60′s in America, and my Mom, God bless her, took care of most of the duties you mention. In fairness to my Dad, he was usually working 12 hour days or longer, but he didn’t do much cleaning up around the house.
Hi Dave: I just thought that I would share this with you about sainted mothers. During my last visit in the Philippines, I asked my 80 year old mother if she would described my father and herself as good parents. She said: “Yes, we are good parents. None of our children went to jail. We lowered our standards.” This was one of the funniest things I heard my serious mother said. We had a good laugh.
Your Mom had a good line, Roselyn!
Can’t say the same about our family, however, since my two younger brothers did a little time in the local county jails in their younger days.
Roselyn,
I believe that the article is suppose to be fun. I think it is very rare that a filipina will put on shoe and socks for her spouse since many don’t have the luxury of owning shoes. I have seen many filipino men who are expected to jump in and help with the chores.
I do feel like a king but I also hope that my asawa feels like a queen with the way I treat her. I kept telling her before we got married that I want a partner in life and not a maid. On my second visit to see her, I shocked her by jumping in and doing chores (washing dishes, sweeping inside and outside of the house). I was amused with her telling the story in bisayan to friends and family. The truth is that I would do anything (that I can afford) to pamper my significant other and she would do the same for me.
Mucho Thanks,Roselyn! There has to be some kind of feedback,because this is happening not only to Americans,but Euros as well. I’m considered a walking ATM,whether I’m in the Philippines or here in the States! WHERE IS THE SHAME THAT IS PROCLAIMED? There is a thing going on where at the end of the month,there is a sickness or some other problem….THEY KNOW WHEN PAYDAY IS! So,The wife has the BIG GUILT thing every month! It’s getting to the point where the marriage will not survive…..!!!
God Bless your parents! I was fortunate to have parents similar to yours,except mine were not professionals,per say. I’m one of eleven children & the same as you describe about myself & siblings. Hard work & respect were the norm growing up. Thanks for your insight!
Dave,my wife is a house wife & Mother of our four and one half year old daughter. She does not have outside employment yet! Hope this makes some sense.
Joe,
I understand your problem. The handout becomes an entitlement. Does your asawa know that it is putting pressure on your marriage? Your marriage should be you and your wife’s number 1 concern.
My wife is from a barangay near Villaba, Leyte. My wife’s father works and her mother seems to be a very ethical person. I have learned to say “no” to family requests (an example is when a cousin asked for a loan to buy property and another family member asked a favor after we got our tax refund). We both want to be smart when giving money to help someone.
Hi Jack,Yes,my wife knows exactly whats at stake here. You figure after almost eight years together,she would get that our daughter comes first? She has stolen almost eleven thousand U.S.Dollars from my daughter’s Education fund “because she loves her family”! We havealready seperated & she now faces Federal Charges,because it involved Social Security money that she was not authorized to use. She still refuses to admit(SHAME?)taking money that she was the only person to have access to it. I’m looking forward to having my daughter full time very soon!
Hi Joe: Sorry to hear about your wife. I have a relative here in the U.S. who found out that his wife of over 20 years is taking funds out of their retirement fund periodically to send to her family, without his knowledge. They are having marital difficulties as they cannot retire as planned. She is not remorseful as her excuse is that she works too and is entitled to their savings. At this time, she is trying to persuade family members to intervene to see it her way!
Hi Roselyn,It’s more common than some people admit to. The thing that really bothers me is that it was my daughter’s Education money! Like I said earlier,No Shame!
If I asked my ganda asawa to put my socks on one of two things would happen…..uncontrollable laughter or a smack upside my head!
I did mean it in fun, Jack, and thanks for your comment. I used to help my wife with the chores back in the States, but again, to be honest, aside from doing most of my own cooking and making our bed in the morning, it’s hard for me to do much else. Somebody else is always doing something, cleaning or cooking, and ALWAYS sweeping something, that I would just get in the way.
I got the uncontrollable laughter, Tony. If we would have been home at Guimaras I would have gotten the smack upside my head with the bolo.
I understand, Joe, and I can certainly relate. My wife and I have been married over 11 years. Nine of those years we lived in the States sending money to my wife’s family every month. When we got married I promised my wife I would support her MOTHER. Suddenly, we have four other relatives living in the house, three nieces and a nephew, that moved in since my wife didn’t want them staying in Manila. NOW I have to provide for five people. My wife wasn’t working at the time, but fortunately I had a good job, and we had no children of our own to support. It did indeed greatly irrirate at times esp. when my brother-in-law, who lives on our property, was going to become a seaman and join another brother-in-law who was already a captain of a fishing boat. But excuses were made, and my brother-in-law stayed and did not go overseas. Some folks here (and in the States) have a sense of entitlement. How about getting off your lazy butts and get a job? No jobs in the Philippines? Go overseas. That’s what my asawa did. But thankfully, my wife never sent any funds to my relatives out of our retirement account, though she bought stuff for a balikbayan box every week and stuffed them in a spare closet. I discovered her cache later, and was not too happy seeing how we already were sending them monthly support.
OK, Joe, I had already made a comment where I said I could relate. I’ll take that back, I cannot relate. How in the world your wife could steal from your daughter’s education fund “because she loves her family” is something I cannot understand. And 11 thousand dollars! Good luck, my friend.
Dave,
I may have to train my g/f to wait on me hand and foot. Than again i like my body parts too. She has her fathers bolos’s available. Thats unbelieveable, but only in the Philippines. You gotta love it. Hope you can get back to your island paradise soon.
Roselyn, Dave,
I think men should also treat woman like Queens, which i would enjoy doing. You have to remember it’s a partnership where you take care of each other. Have to agree pulling nose and ear hair and cutting nails should be done by yourself or at least by a professional in that field.
Rosalyn,
That is funny what your mother said. Good wit and sharp mind at her age. I’m sure they would never lower her standards, probably very high standards. They did a wonderful job with you and your siblings.
Joe,
I think your daughter should be your main concern now. Sounds like your wife is not fit to take care of here and is not a good environment for her. Glad you will have her full time. Hope all will turn out well for you. It sounds like your doing the best you can.
Hi Joe: It is very bothersome for a mother to steal money from a daughter’s education fund or any fund for that matter. Where is her respect for you, for herself, and for your daughter? It is mind-boggling.
Wow KenRay, I get those daily calls at about 12:30 asking if I ate my lunch. When American people here see what all Melyn does and how she is they say I am so lucky to have met a good girl like her online. I do feel lucky, but also have to say that while Melyn is outstanding, she is also the norm. People here cannot comprehend the goodness of filipinas.
I certainly see your point Roselyn. Any guy who just wants to be king will be deposed quickly. In fact, he will probably not even attract a lady who possesses the qualities we are talking about here. My perception of most filipinas is that they just want to love and be loved. Melyn does so much more than I wish. I suspect she would not be so motivated if she were not so loved. When I was searching, I said in my profile that I didn’t want a daughter or anything other than a best friend who likes to go to church. That is what I got.
This is sad Joe. Melyn is such a tight wad with money, she doesn’t spend or take as much as I sometimes wish she would. However, we too supported her brother to go to school for some seafarer job. There was a final step in the training he mysteriously never took. However, he did move on and find a job that is probably better than what he had trained for.
We were sending money “for her parents” because they couldn’t afford rice.. And yes, everybody moved in. Her siblings all dropped their many children off so we could feed tham all.
Melyn sent them a camera so they could take and send us pictures. There were tons of grandkids looking chubby while her father looked like he was about to starve to death. The gravy train stopped and the grandkids moved on.
Her family has a festival every May. The past few years, we have sent money for the festival. Guess what? The festivals have gotten significantly bigger. This year, Melyn told her parents to tell everyone to bring food. The festival this year will be very small.
I am so glad that even I do not know how to take money out of my retirement account. I just don’t want to know how to do it.
A few years back my wife started cutting my hair, (or whats left on the top of my head)but I have to give her the $15.00 that usually goes to the barber. I told her we could just “trade” and I could cut hers, but she won’t let me near the scissors.
Thanks everyone! It’s all about a four and one half year old girl here! I’m going to do everything to make her life better than MINE! Not my wife’s life before or in the future! It will work out. As for my wife…..what goes around,comes around….She is seeing it now! No Shame!
Good for you,John!
Hi Roselyn, The reasoning is that we have money & they don’t! Blood is thicker than marriage in this case. The respect goes out the door,because I get a Retirement that I worked very hard for! The agreement we had back in 2003,was Mother & Father’s Birthday& Christmas,to give something. My wife has 12 siblings…From the age of 45,down to 23. You would think that they learned something in life? Why work,when you can make your sister feel so guilty for the life that she HAD! Oh well…Like my wife has said on numerous occasions….GOD KNOWS!! He sure does!
12 siblings? They probably all have kids. They probably want to just make more now that they have an auntie over seas. I would be happy to support Melyn’s parents. Unfortunately, when someone is known to have some support, everybody else moves in. It is funny to me that Melyn’s immediate family are not the one’s expecting our support. It is always spouses of siblings, children of siblings, and even distant relatives who are not really relatives that always want something from us. Fortunately, Melyn has no mercy for them.
Good on you,John! Yes My wife’s siblings have many kids.It’s too bad for the little ones!
Wow! We live here in our own little house and no one lives in this house with us. Now we do have 3 other families of relatives living in our little area, but they each have their own houses and jobs. Heck I had to borrow money from them before. Now the property that all the houses are on is ours, but I’m happy to say that everyone pulls their weight around here. I’m probably the one that does the least work.
Thanks Papa Duck!
I was having problems with my girlfriends family putting pressure on her to extract money from me. It was really causing problems between us because her family are in my opinion a pack of lazy useless liars. I now give her an allowance of 500 peso per day. With this she must feed myself, herself and her 2 year old son. If there is spare money and she chooses to give it to the parasites, not a problem, it is her money. She knows not to ask for more.
Good job,Murray!
Dave,
My mom is a “working housewife” too like your sister-in-law. She supported our father by having her own dress shop, sari-sari store and carinderia. With their combined income they were able to put us 3 kids up to college without resorting to going abroad as an OFW. My mom is tough, yes, tougher than my father but she always make sure that all of us are being taken care of. Whatta mom and wife to my pop!
Good luck on that training, Papa Duck!
I’m ready to get back to quiet little Guimaras.
I agree Papa Duck, I try to treat my asawa like a Queen and respect her for her patience (in dealing with me) and her good heart.
Glad to hear your Mom was resourceful and hardworking enough to accomplish all that she did Jonathan, without having to go overseas. Good for her. What a blessing she must be to your family.
500 pesos a day is very generous, Murray. The average wage of a worker at SM City in Iloilo is P265 a day. That pressure from the relatives can cause some friction. You’re best to stick to your guns.
15 bucks, Rob? Saw a place in Manila offering a 22 pesos haircut. 43 cents. Wife won’t let you near the scissors, huh? My wife wouldn’t either. She goes over to Ricky Reyes in Iloilo and shells out P280 ($6.46.)
Mine is taken out and deposited for me by my broker, John. It’s in a T-72 IRA which defers my taxes. Glad I got a smart broker to take care of that. He’s making us money and giving us a monthly income to live on.
I certainly agree with setting limits and sticking to our guns. I don’t see Melyn’s family as parasites. I do see her parents getting pressure from lots of people who are parasites. I have come to realize that since her family has never had any money, they have no clue how to manage it. They never had any money so now they don’t know how to spend it.
Have to set some limits, John, otherwise I can’t pay my own bills.
I don’t put my husband’s socks and shoes on, but I do take them off when we get home. One because I want him to be comfy and two because I don’t want him soiling the bed sheet! LOL!
But really, while I do alot of things for him, he cooks for me, since I cannot cook and don’t seem to have the knack for it.
Claudette, maybe I can get my asawa to take off my shoes and socks for me, but then she might see your comment about how your husband cooks for you. I better leave well enough alone.
Well said,Dave!
i remember my mom putting my dad’s shoes on for him in the mornings. not because she had to but because she wanted to. there were alot of years(until we got older) that my sister or or i (i am a guy) would take them off at the end of the day and clean them up for him. he was a very tired construction worker at the end of a day. i had forgotten about that until i read the above post. until now, i have never heard of any other wives doing that.
Glad I brought back some memories, Rhod. I do believe my two brothers and I would also take my Dad’s shoes off occasionally. That is, when we weren’t too busy being the remote control for our TV.