From the Midwest redneck author of "The Rooster Crows at 4am!," "Lizard Poop!," and "The Philippines Expat Advisor"
Side Benefit of bin Laden’s Death: It Finally Bumps the Royal Couple Out of the News!
God Bless America! The terrorist, the devil incarnate, Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. Navy Seals while lounging at his mansion 62 miles north of the Pakistani capital of Islamabad along with other family members. Reports that the family was munching on a bucket of Original Recipe KFC chicken while watching reruns of "The Brady Bunch" cannot be confirmed by this reporter. I was so excited, so jubilant, so proud of President Obama for having the guts to send those Navy Seals to assassinate the piece of human crap called bin Laden, I was beside myself. I wished I could have joined the cheering crowds that I saw on CNN celebrating outside the White House and the streets of New York City.
I go outside to give the news to my brother-in-law Joery, and he just smiles and looks at me. At least my asawa was glad to hear the news and understood who I was talking about. She was at our home in Auburn, Illinois. watching the Jerry Springer Show when the news of the September 11 attack interrupted Jerry's top bouncer, Steve, breaking up a fight between a couple of toothless trailer trash women from the South. (Don't worry, read on, I'm on a roll today, see who else I'm going to offend.)
And suddenly a thought occurred to me (yeah, that happens on occasion.) The death of bin Laden has some other side benefits. The news of the Royal Wedding and the beatification of Pope John Paul II has now been pushed from the headlines. I mean if I'm going to be offensive, why not anger three groups in this post (along with Southern gals that live in trailers) : radical Muslims who revered bin Laden, Brits that revere the royals, and Catholics that revered Pope John Paul II. Now if I just would say something bad about Manny Pacquiao and Charice, I would also be in danger of pissing off most of the population of the Philippines, so I better leave it at the Royals and the Pope. And Southern women.
Listen, I'm telling you right now. I could CARE LESS about where the Royal Couple, William and Kate, are going to honeymoon. I could CARE LESS that Kate cried at some stupid speech William gave, and to real honest with you, I could CARE LESS about the royal family in general. Didn't the United States fight a war back in 1776 with Great Britain to be free of the King? Then why in the world would I want to watch a so-called "Wedding of the Century" which involved British royalty? A Time magazine poll said that 79% of Brits themselves were "indifferent" about the wedding.
OK, now aside from Southern women that read this website and live in "mobile homes" (been there, done that myself, so don't get on my case about this, OK?) I probably haven't upset a great deal of people yet, but wait. I have to tell you I cannot understand all of this fuss about the recent beatification of deceased Pope John Paul II. First of all, let me explain that I certainly have nothing against Catholics. I honestly think Pope John Paul II was a caring and charismatic man. I was baptized a Catholic though I never attended Mass in the United States, I was raised a Lutheran. My Filipina wife is a Catholic. I have attended a few Masses with her in the Philippines.
However, I cannot understand why miracles, such as the one claimed by French nun Sister Marie Simon Pierre Normand, who had been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in 2001, claims that prayers to the deceased Pope John Paul II cured her from the disease after two fellow nuns prayed for help to John Paul, who had also suffered from Parkinson's. The sister's healing was instrumental in getting the Pope beatified. How about just praying to Jesus Christ directly instead of using middlemen like dead Popes. Honestly, I've got a major problem with that theology.
It's my humble opinion that Sister Marie was cured through the healing power of Christ and NOT Pope John Paul II. I checked with my Catholic wife, who tells me she prays directly to Jesus. She doesn't understand the practice of praying to the saints, either, but tells me her Catholic Mother also prays to the dead saints. Personally, I want to go straight to the TOP and go to Jesus.
Now that I've sufficiently offended a number of folks, let me get back to Osama bin Laden. Hope he rots in Hell. For eternity. For those of you that do not believe in Hell, and I have now offended, take a number.